Mom Hymn

Silent Night! Quiet night!
Kids asleep! Daddy gone!
Only sound is computer's hum!
They wouldn't know if mom went wild!
I finally have some peace!
I finally have some peace!

So, do you work?

Do you work?
Yes, I do.
I wipe a nose.
I tie a shoe.

I wash a shirt.
Pick up the toys.
I cook dinner.
I chase the boys.

I play monsters.
I wipe the tears.
When I'm at the store,
I buy the beers.

I work at least
As much as you
But I don't get paid
Like you do.

Please don't act
Better than me,
Because you go out
And make money.

Outside Haikus

We all went outside.
The weather was very nice.
The boys were not nice.



Out there it's sunny.
We should out there today.
They go down the slide.



Sliding boards are fun.
They go down them lots of times.
No go in garden.



Bicker fight scream whine.
For your next turn on the slide.
So much fun outside.



Can we go outside?
Can we go back in the house?
Can we go outside?

A Dirty Cleaning Limerick

There once was a Grumpy Homemaker
Who did her housework while naker.
Her husband was happy.
His *beep* wasn't flappy.
So he bent her over to take her.

The Cleaning Bomb Diggitty

I am the cleaning bomb diggity.
I disinfecting and mopping wiggity.
I get the germs, I get the clutter.
I get the spilled and melted butter.

You wish you could be like me
Doing my 10 minute tidies.
My house is clean.
My husband is keen.

I dash around on every hour
To wipe and scrub and scour.
I pick up toys
Messes left by the boys.
I sweep up floors
I wash down doors.

I am the cleaning bomb diggity.
Clean house, I has one.

Snotty nose, you will not win.

Snotty nose.
You will not win.
One day you'll go away.

Yellow or green,
And sometimes clear.
One day you'll go away.

Snotty nose
How I hate you.
You've been here far too long.

Drip, crust, run.
How gross you are.
Why don't you go away.

Snotty nose.
No one likes you.
We don't want you here.

Snotty nose
You are just like
The guy who doesn't know hen to leave.

Snotty nose.
Snotty, snotty nose
Gross, nasty snotty nose.

Where Will We Go Today?

Where will we go today?
Will we stay home
Or find a park?

Will we take a walk?

Maybe we'll just play in the yard.

We can't go far without a car.
Oh how I want to get away.
Drive to far off lands
Like the mall.
See new people.
Other grown ups do exist.

One day I'll have a car,
A Matrix or a CRV,
That belongs just to me.

I'll paint it pink.

Junk Food

Junk food is yummy.
Don't put much in your tummy.
Pop Tarts ain't breakfast.

Please write your own junk food haiku.

Don't Touch Me!

You get on my lap,
Then you get off.
Your brother gets on,
And covers me with snot.
Please don't touch me.

You follow me around,
with your hands on my butt.
Your brother reaches his arms
Begging to be lifted up.
Please, don't touch me.

Cuddles are great,
But I need my space.
Please don't get jelly,
All over my face.
I mean it, don't touch me.

Your kisses are sweet,
But not all the time.
I just want a place,
That is only mine.
Just don't touch me.

Your Daddy's home now,
And he wants a hug.
He'll want to do more,
Oh God what a lug.
Please. Don't. Touch. Me

The Grumpy Homemaker: A poem

I am sick so today I will re-release one from my facebook. Enjoy. I hope you feel better than I do.

I do not like to clean my room.
I do not like to use a broom.
I do not to wash a dish.
I do not like to cook a fish.

I do not like to mop a floor.
I do not like to mop once more.
I do not like to wipe the table.
I do not like it though I'm able.

I do not like to make a bed.
I do not like butter a bread.
I do not like to scrub a toilet.
I do not like to bake or broil it.

I do like like being stuck at home.
I do not like my lack of gnomes.
I do not like it very much,
Even if I loves them a bunch.

Sleep.

Sleep, it eludes me.
Soon, one of my kids will wake.
Oh, pumpernickel.

Germs, we haz 'em.

Germs invade my humble home.
They make us weep, they make us moan.
Germs make us sick,
They make us sad.

Germs, I hate you bitches.
Sometimes you give us itches.
Sometimes you make us cough,
Sometimes you make us puke.

Germs, go away,
You're not welcome today.
Germs, I hate you.
I really wish you'd die.

Tasty Pastie!

Tasty pastie,
Very yummy pastie.
Tasty pastie,
Eat it up,
Yum!

In the morning
Yummy apple pastie,
In the evening,
Pastie with your soup!

Tasty pastie,
Very yummy pastie.
Tastie pasty,
Eat it up yum!

I Don't Need No Stinkin Nap!

Boy of three won't sleep.
Stays awake driving me nuts.
Might sell him to zoo.


I think it might be time to introduce myself. I'm The Grumpy Homemaker. I'm married to ManWhoDoesn'tListen. I have two boys GetYourHandsOutOfYourPants (3) and VeryShortVersionOfHisMother (18 months). It may seem that I do not love the men in my life but I really do. I don't love being a Stuck At Home Mom. I feel a bit bad about that since I know some moms would give their right arm to be at home with their children but it's really not who I am.

I have been convicted lately that I am a prtty poor excuse for a homemaker. It's time to pull my weight and make my home a pleasant place to be. I love the results but I hate the work. My best coping mechanism happens to be humor, so here I am.

My plan for this blog is to make you laugh and sometimes make you cry. I'm opinionated, so I will have no problem telling people what I think from time to time.

The Grumpy Homemaker Never Sleeps

You snore and snore
And snore some more.
At 5:15 your son awakes
Even though my body aches.

I wish that guy would fix his car.
I may bash it with a crow bar.
I need to sleep but it won't come.
Inside this chaotic home.

Three hours just isn't enough.
But The Grumpy Homemaker is very tough.
I'll while away these waking hours.
Oh hell, the milk's gone sour.

Tonight, I'm going to get some rest.
Snore, Buddy, I'll elbow your chest.
It's your night to ride the couch.
For God's sake shut your mouth!

I'm over worked.
I don't get paid.
With all these chores,
I don't get laid.

You know how much I love you all,
The short ones and the one that's tall,
But I'm really at my brink.
Oh my God! That diaper stinks.

In the beginning there was a poem...

I went a little crazy yesterday.
As I laundered and washed away.
I had a lot of work to do.
But still tried to entertain you.

I now have some faithful fans,
To read about my chores, kids and man.
I hope to keep you duly riveted.
As you read about all that I did.

Please enjoy my blogged thoughts.
Whether they rhyme or not.
Lemrick, free thought or haiku.
I'll do my best to keep pleasing you.